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| I'm going through some shit right now emotionally...so many conflicting thoughts and feelings....my head says one thing but my heart turns around and does something totally different....no point in going into any details through here though because im only going to end up right back where i am now....its a given...but im beginning to think that i love pain. I see it around me everyday, so deep down inside I believe that love without pain doesnt even exist...i just want to sleep because that's the only thing that feels good right now...but maybe that's my problem, im living my life like a fantasy, afraid to face the reality of certain situations.....life is so complicated now and i honestly can't comprehend the meaning of "happily ever after..." i mean, who invented that phrase anyway??? | | |
| Have you ever just sat back and looked at your life? In today's society where everything we do is based on the concept of time, it may be hard for some people to just take time out of their busy schedules to examine parts of their lives like what they're doing and where they're headed. I'm not referring to any one thing in particular when I say this but to everything in general. Based on relationships and situations that i've been in in the past, i've learned that there comes a time when we must take a step back from the situation so that we can view it for what it really is. This past year has been tough for me and im sure that things will only get harder from here as I come to grips with the fact that, the more I learn, the less I know. After all, isn't that what this experience that we call life is all about: living, loving, losing, learning? We go through so many trials and tribulations during our short time here on this earth that we often forget our real purpose or should I say His purpose for us? Sometimes we may be too caught up in the negative aspects of a situation, such as our hurt and pain, our struggles, our confusion or our discomfort just to name a few, to really see the lesson that is supposed to come from it all. I've had a number of people ripped from my life throughout the years for many different reasons and they all affected me in one way or another. I cared about some way more than I cared about others but the underlying truth in it all is that I always questioned where things went wrong. I also believed that maybe if I figured out where things went wrong, I could possibly fix the situation or make it better and hopefully I could avoid making the same mistakes in the future. But then it began to dawn on me that these people weren't meant to be involved in my life forever and that maybe they were only sent to me in the form of "friends" or "whoever" to teach me something or to help me transition somehow. Why is it then that I still resist this change that is constantly occuring in my life??? Perhaps I haven't stopped learning or maybe the lesson isn't over. But how are we supposed to know when it is indeed a lesson and when it isn't if we're taught to fight for the things that we want and/or believe in? How do we get to the point where we just LET GO and hope for the best for everyone involved? I guess it all depends on faith but how is that determined? There are a few people in my life right now that are seemingly on their way out and have been for some time coming but how am I to be sure that this is the right thing to do if I am not sure of His ultimate plan for me??? I guess what I'm asking is, which concept yields a bigger lesson: "everything happens for a reason" or "if you love something let it go, if it comes back then...?" Maybe it's a combination of both. What if you let something go (which was a lesson and/or part of the plan and therefore, happened for a reason) and it did indeed come back to you? Wouldn't that essentially be a lesson and part of the plan too or would it just be a road block placed in front of you by someone else with a totally different plan? I guess we never can be too certain until we make a decision...to all that left, feel free to come back...on second thought, DON'T...either way I'll end up where I'm destined to be and I'll never stop learning from your absences or presence in my life although I really won't know too much about the reasoning behind it all...and to all that are on their way out, please do us both a favor and get there QUICKLY because my brain hurts among other things... | | |
| So many deadlines, so little time...can someone please loan me a couple days out of your week because there are simply not enough days in mine to accomplish the things that i need to get done! My new room mate sucks! I know I used to complain about my old room mate but this one is 10 times worse than my old one...I actually miss my old room mate which is something that I never thought would happen...I guess it's true what they say, "you don't miss your water til the well runs dry." My new room mate is just too fucking loud ALL THE TIME for no reason. She irritates me because she's so inconsiderate and she's only been living here for about three weeks. She goes to bed during weird hours too. Take last night, for instance, I was supposed to be working on my paper which is due tonight but I ended up falling asleep. When I woke up, it was around 3 a.m. or so. I still had to work on my paper but my stomach was killing me so I fell back asleep. When I woke up for the second time it was around 4:30-5:00 a.m. and this female is still awake but I doubt that she was doing any work because that has been her schedule ever since she got here. She sleeps late into the day and stays up all night which normally wouldn't bother me, but im a light sleeper so everytime she walks through the apt. slamming doors, it wakes me up !!! And don't let me get started on the way she talks on her cell phone. Boost mobile should put her in one of their commercials! She does keep it pretty tidy around here though lol... My twin gave me the money that I owed my school and he might even pay the $200 housing deposit that I need to live on campus next year too . I'm really happy about that because I wasn't exactly sure where I was going to get the money from. I really dislike the month of March because I have so many people to buy birthday gifts for lol. My mom, my dad, my twin and now my nephew all have birthdays in March!!! That's going to hurt my pockets because they're already empty. My gynecologist told me that my papsmear was abnormal so I had to get another one done and if this one comes back abnormal, i'll have to get a biopsy and something else done, I just can't remember what it was. I hope everything's okay but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried. I'm just trying not to jump to any conclusions before the results come back. Well, that's pretty much it for me right now. I know, my life is so boring right now, I remember when I used to actually have funny/interesting things to write about in here lol...I guess I should take that as a sign??? | | |
| Something's come over me but i'm not exactly sure what it is. I've just been feeling so unsure about everything lately. I feel so lost and i've been feeling this way for quite some time now. Nothing makes sense to me right now. Why I'm still in school, what I would really like to do with my life, why im in a relationship with a certain individual, why another individual and I both still have feelings for each other even though were committed to other people, how I'm going to keep my head above water financially and my faith are all in question. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, but is he the person that im supposed to spend my life with? School is driving me crazy because at times it seems pointless. I guess I feel that way because the future seems so uncertain. Everyone that I talk to seems to have such positive hopes/plans for the future and I feel left out because im just sort of taking things one day at a time. I have a slight idea about what I would like to do with my life but I still feel as though I could use some guidance or advice or something. One of my new year's resolutions was to read the Bible which i've been doing. It just seems like every time I turn around I hear people praising God, which I don't have a problem with, but im at the point in my life now where I need to find Him for myself. And the first step for me would be to educate myself. How could I possibly say that I believe in something that I know nothing about? Today's Valentine's Day but it feels like any other ordinary day to me. I mean I have a valentine but its not really that important to me as it is to some. I am happy about the fact that we had a snow day today though! We never get a day off here at UMBC when it snows so im happy for this mini break. That's really all that's been going on with me lately. I should probably get off of here and start studying finally. I'm already three weeks behind and that's how long we've been in school lol. I'm going to comment on some of yall entries in a few. Until next time people... | | |
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